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VelociPastor (a movie review)

I think everyone knows what’s going on if you drop the term “batshit crazy”. There are quite a few movies carrying this designation proudly like a torch through the cinematic age, and one of the latest carriers of this label is the little movie called VelociPastor.

Now, I don’t usually write the storyline and stuff like that, because I don’t want to spoil the movie, but VelociPastor is one of the exemptions, because even if you know what’s going on, you want – and need – to see the flick yourself anyway.

Father Doug Jones (Greg Cohan)

So, what the hell is happening? We’re following Father Doug Jones (Greg Cohan) and witnessed the violent death of his parents. Poor Doug thinks he’s losing his faith, so his mentor, Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) advises him to go somewhere where he thinks God wouldn’t be. And if he finds him there, then he knows…you know…that kind of spiritual talks.

And Doug’s gone to China (well, sort of) and the dying Chinese peasant girl (Claire Hsu) running from (and getting shot by) a ninja had given him a dragon tooth. As it happens, Doug has gotten himself cut by this ancient relic and when emotionally triggered by anger (and hunger), changing into a velociraptor. Hence, VelociPastor.

Carol (Alyssa Kempinski)

Enters Carol (Alyssa Kempinski), a hooker. She’s being abused by her pimp named Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheco De Castro) and attacked by some thug in the park. Luckily, our VelociPastor is nearby and dispatches the thug to where he belongs. And later on he deals with Frankie Mermaid too.

Doug awakens in Carol’s bed, oblivious to what has happened, and upon Carol’s explanation he’s confused and he can’t believe her. But after being shown the remnants of the body, he has to accept who he is. And his feelings to Carol start to grow, to the displeasure of Father Stewart.

Check those claws!!!

He has arranged an exorcism for Doug, which ends up in loosing Father Stewart’s eye. Shit happens, you know.

Father Stewart wakes up in the tent of Wei Chang, the head of the ninja clan, whose plan is to get whole city hooked up on extra strong cocaine. And because he doesn’t agree, Father Stewart gets terminated.

Well, they are ninjas, obviously.

Now it’s time for Carol and Doug to deal with ninjas…and here’s the surprise!!!! Won’t spoil it, but along with the final moments of Wein Chang (you have to see it to believe it) and the final end, it’s definitely bananas.

VelociPastor in action.

Story aside (it’s crazy enough on its own, just don’t question it, nor the director Brendan Steere’s sanity), the actual low budget production, along with the dialogues, is one hell of fun! Raptor’s claws are just a gloves on Greg Cohan’s hands, raging velociraptor in the ninja camp is a guy in a bad dino suit, filmmakers didn’t give a shit about covering up the plastic head props etc…but it’s fucking funny to watch! And obviously, Father Greg going to China? Forget it, it’s a local little forest. That’s an art of filmmaking here, folks! And I am not kidding. It’s totally demented, but in a good way. Watch for Father Stewart Vietnam story to see what I’m talking about!!!

What special effects?

Really, there is no middle ground here. You’re gonna love it or hate it. For me, I love it – it’s outrageous, in your face, and has Alyssa Kempinski, who is hot as hell.

Carol and Doug go to action.

Check it for yourself, it was released by Wild Eye Releasing and it’s gonna be the best 75 minutes of your life (or maybe not, but considering 2020 so far, I am not exaggerating).

Get it from Wild Eye Releasing: https://wildeyereleasing.com/ or from Amazon.

Rudolf Schütz

A father to two little perpetuum mobiles called kids, Rudolf is a main force behind The Rubber Axe webzine, a bookworm, musick lover and a movie fan - not to mention his virgin forays into the comics and board/card games.

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