Low-budgetMovies

Asteroid vs. Earth (a movie review)

Well, they don’t make them like this anymore…wait, they do! It’s hard to say if it’s a good thing or a bad one, but they do make them like this still.

If, by any chance, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, after “The Asylum” logo everything is clear and two things usually happen – the cinephiles and movie connoisseurs with terror in their eyes frantically try to find the remote control to switch away from this blasphemy, the trash movie lovers, with the same frantic efforts, try to locat the nearest bag of crips and some drinks to enjoy another “OMG, really” flick from the most favourite of all independent trash movie producers.

The Asylum logo

And that’s exactly what I did, so let’s have a look at this movie a little bit closer and luckily I don’t need to worry about the spoilers, because we all know how will it end. Yeah, but…

Obviously, you know the stuff. Firmly in the catastrophic genre, the big frikkin’ asteroid is getting close to Earth and as it’s inevitable, it’s gonna hit our blue planet in ten days. And as you learn in the movie (that’s another reason to watch the stuff, see?), the asteroid which has hit the Yucatán peninsula, being responsible for the extinction of dinosaurs, was like 6 miles wide…this bad boy is 200 miles. You do the math.

Thankfully, there’s almost always someone to save the day (I said, almost, because see “The Road” to get the idea what’s gonna happen when The Asylum is not involved in the movie making process) and this one is no exception.

man and woman and the asteroid impact

First thing to notice is that the cast boasts of Tia Carrere and Robert Davi. Although the movie poster/cover shows them in usual position to either work together or be main antagonists, neither is the case (well, they do work together, sort of, but never personally to each other, but that’s just me being picky). But what the hell, it’s Tia Carrere!!! And here she is in the role of some marine fauna specialist Marissa Knox, but what’s important, it’s the how easy she is to pick up in th bar! Man, does anyone know which hot spots does she frequent?

Marissa and Chase are gonna chase the problem.
After all night drinking, straight to work.

Anyway, we’ll see Marissa is being picked up by Chase (Jason Brooks), the XO on the submarine I couldn’t remember the name of, and our two heroes, along with the crew of the said sub are gonna save the world. How? Glad you asked, you’re not gonna believe it.

Evan being captured.
Evan quite probably haven’t seen this coming.

Our guy from the beginning, Evan, who’s discovered the asteroid (and almost immediately got arrested by NSA team) had dropped the revelation – the asteroid can’t be derailed from it’s course. That’s the bad news. The good news though, is…we will move the Earth from the way of the asteroid instead! You’ve read it right. Sheer genius! And they haven’t even got the name of the actor in the IMDB credits, talk about being grateful! So, employing a few nukes to hit the spot in some ocean trench, the series of earthquakes will move the Earth from it’s position to avoid being hit by the asteroid. Obviously, it’s proper bull, and you don’t have to have a degree in astrophysics to know that, but who cares? You don’t watch this kind of movies to check how true to the exact science they are.

asteroid impact and two persons
And another poster. With an asteroid impact. Not that you will see it.

Anyway, after some drama, some deaths and some sacrifices we made it safely. We might lost Hong Kong and south China in the nuke blast, and obviously, nobody gives a shit about nuclear fallout, but we’re alive and that matters. And the final scene of the movie is absolute delight…watching the explosion, Marissa and Chase fell into each other’s arm and kiss. Even Hallmark can’t be THAT romantic. Oh, and because we’re in 2014 here, we have a gay romance here as well, so all markets are covered here.

David Michael Latt, the producer
Producer David Michael Latt.

Who is responsible for this movie? Produced by David Michael Latt (check our review for Scarecrow), the directorial chair was occupied by Christopher Ray (and if you see the credits, you know it’s Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray and that should say it all, yep, it’s a son of beloved filmmaker Fred Olen Ray), who directed such stuff as Reptisaurus, Megaconda, Mega shark vs. Crocosaurus, Mercenaries (and just the cast of this one makes you wanna see that, trust me) and a few others you need to see.

Christopher Ray, the director
Director Christopher Ray

Although I would contend that the main heroes are other guys, you know the awards always goes to the higher level individuals, therefore, Tia Carrere has the priority here. Not just because she is, well, Tia Carrere and her over-acting. Remembered fonldy for that unforgettable scene in hot tub with Dolph Lundgren in Showdown in Little Tokyo, Tia was in many great flicks and TV series…best known probably for her Sydney Fox character in Relic Hunter, which is still the best Indiana Jones rip off. After that it’s kind of a going down trajectory, but that’s nothing unusual in the movie biz, last time I’ve remember her in the movie was her role in 2016 action movie Showdown in Manila, which is not the best one (to put it mildly), but it boasts of an amazing cast of action B-movie actors. And that’s sufficient for me. In the end of the day, you have to work for your daily bread and in case someone wondering why actors feature – in their opinion – “bad movies”…well, they are paid for those as well.

Tia Carrere, lead star of the Asteroid vs. Earth movie
Tia Carrere

Robert Davi is the man who defy the commonly held belief you have to be a model to make it in Hollywood movies, beause, let’s face it, he’s anything but. And he has a kickass movie list to prove it. City Heat, The Goonies, Action jackson, Die Hard, Licence to Kill, Maniac Cop 2 and 3, Predator 2, Showgirls, Stargate: Atlantis and lately The Expendables 3 are just some examples of his long movie career. I still love him being a villain than a good guy, but whatever. Here he’s in the role of an Army general, but he’s clearly not on the frontline here. But he’s still nicely over-acts as well.

Robert Davi, the other known actor
– Robert Davi

The rest of the cast are either less known B-movie TV and voice actors (but checking their movie resumes you can find quite a lot of interesting movies and TV series to catch), or as in the case of the real hero of the movie, Charles Byun (in the role of the intern Evan Kitsias), an one-hit-actor (which, upon further research, is not a valid statement, as he was in two other movies, Temptation (2012) and Frames of Mind (2013), so much for IMDB accuracy). Which is sad, as he was quite convincing in the role.

Charles Byun on civil photo
Charles Byun

Of course, let’s not pretend it’s a high-class cinema here. It’s not. It’s a modern exploitation. Disponsable art, if you want to call it that. The movie equivalent of McDonald’s burger (actually, it’s better than McD’s burger)… you get the point. But once you are in the mood for a low/no budget genre, you can enjoy it for what it is.

And for example, just checking the inacurracies and mistakes in the movie like this one is a totally different level. Wanna hint? For example, I am not sure if NSA sends out assault commandos bearing NSA on their caps. I think not, but I’m not gonna put my money on that. Also, I don’t think they are on the spot one minute (or even less) from the suspect they have to pick up after he finished his quick call (also, the “arrest” makes no sense, as well as the “arrest” of Melissa).

Check the scene when Evan first turns off the computer screen, types on the keyboard at the computer next to it, just to get back to the previous computer and check the simulation on the previously turned off screen. This stuff is mad!! And obviously, these are not the only things you could spot. I love it.

Wade F. Wilson as Lt. Rudy sacrificing himself in the Asteroid vs. Earth movie
That’s the scene!!! The scene!

Oh, and not to forget…the scene with Wade F. Wilson (Lt. Rudy) in the finale of the movie (well, almost the finale), carrying two nukes …that’s Oscar performance right here. And I am not kidding, although it’s apparently wrong for obvious reason, but the commitment of the actor is beyond the call of duty.

Watch here: https://reelgood.com/movie/asteroid-vs-earth-2014

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Rudolf Schütz

A father to two little perpetuum mobiles called kids, Rudolf is a main force behind The Rubber Axe webzine, a bookworm, musick lover and a movie fan - not to mention his virgin forays into the comics and board/card games.

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